The Nighttime

Thursday Night (Night 4) Thoughts:

After finishing my blog tonight, I started reading this book given to me by DJ (at the orphanage, not my brother).  It's called Lead Like Jesus, by Ken Blanchard (author of The One Minute Manager) and Phil Hodges.  I'm only about 15 pages into the book, but already it's been so profound.  There's a passage in the first few pages that SO speaks to me that I had to write it down and now I feel the need to share it with you:

"In all kinds of organizations and institutions, the rewards of money, recognition, and power increase as you move the up the hierarchy.  Self-promotion (pride) and self-protection (fear) are the reigning motivations that dominate the leadership landscape.  Many leaders act as if the sheep are there only for the benefit of the shepherd.  In personal relationships, leadership expectations of mutual respect, loving care, self-sacrifice, and openness are often undermined when pride, fear and indifference replace intimacy with isolation." Lead Like Jesus, pp. 3-4.

This passage speaks to me so much because it reflects perfectly the dissatisfaction I had come to recognize with my previous career.  I felt like it became all about the power, prestige, and money.  It was the classic scenario of work harder with more complex cases and more responsibility + work longer hours + volunteer for various law organizations = recognition, prestige and money.  Tragically, the idealism of my youth just seemed to disappear over time; rather, it became clouded like the slow process of steaming up a bathroom mirror.  It took a while, but eventually I could no longer see the person who graduated from law school.  I realize that happens to a lot of people in all types of professions, but I didn't think it would happen to me.  When did I become so old that idealism was replaced with cynicism?  It's easy to see how the concept of more money could motivate a person...I graduated with a small mortgage (some would probably consider it a large mortgage) in student loan debt and I needed to get it paid off.  But at some point, the money just became irrelevant.  I didn't want to work longer hours.  I didn't want to earn more money.  I didn't need the prestige or recognition.  (Frankly, the fact that I didn't need any of those things anymore manifested quite clearly; those closest to me could tell I wasn't happy practicing law.  Maybe it was just law firm life, maybe it was some of the areas in which I practiced, maybe it was just time for a break.  I don't really know yet.).  So what did (and do) I want? Happiness!!

So I left on this journey, and now I feel like I have a book to help guide me.  Actually, I have several books.  My Bible is always with me, and I received several books before I left, and now I have Lead Like Jesus.

In order to get the most out of the book, the authors suggest that first you begin the book in prayer, asking that God guide you.  So I did.  I had a good talk with Jesus.  Strangely, talking with the Lord always makes me feel sad and happy all at once.  Sad because I frequently feel it's been too long since I came to Him.  Even if I talked with him earlier that day or the day before, sometimes the talks feel superficial.  Happy because I can feel this wave wash over me.  It's hard to describe the wave.  It's almost like an electromagnetic pulse that courses through my skin and tingles the hairs on the backs of my arms.  It feels like joy and peace are settling in my bones.  My prayer for the book, and really for this whole journey, is that God guides me to not only help others, but to learn and grow.  To gain wisdom, peace, happiness, and knowledge are the cornerstones of my journey, and what better guide than the Holy Spirit.

I think this book is going to be an awesome read!

***

I just crawled into bed to read the book before turning off the lights.  First though, I decided to get out my book of pictures from Ashley, aaaaand now I'm in tears.  This is the first night I've cried since I left home.  I don't really know why tonight is different from other nights.  Maybe it's just the number of days I've been gone and how much longer I know I will be gone.  I don't really know if I feel lonely or just adrift in emotions because I'm alone.  There is a difference, ya know.  Lonely is a sadness because you are alone.  Alone simply means that you are by yourself.  

Well, I'm definitely alone, but I don't know what that means in terms of my emotional state.  Yes, I'm sad because I miss home, but am I lonely?  I'm used to being around tons of people all the time.  Sure, sometimes I want time to be alone, but it's rare.  I enjoy the company of others and feel that I can bounce ideas around people sometimes better than I can in my own head.  But now, here I am, hundreds of miles from home and I'm alone.  And the thoughts keep circling like vultures waiting to pounce on prey.  Ideas that I would've previously kicked around with others are being ricocheted from one brain wall to another.  Some would say that this is the time when I am supposed to pray and ask for His guidance and wisdom...and I've done that...and I still miss home.  I miss familiar faces.  I miss the loving arms of my family and friends.  I miss laughing with everyone.  I miss the quiet moments when no one has to say a word because we know each other so well that there is an inherent and deep understanding without the need for words.  I miss football.  Funny, but true.  Football is more than just a sport (in case you're wondering, it is my favorite sport), it is an event -- an event where all my friends can share in the love and hate that is the sport of football, where we can all cheer, taunt and jab at one another and our teams, where we all come together for two purposes...to enjoy the game and each other.  See...classic example of how I love to be surrounded by people.

Over the years, I've met a number of people who just don't get that about me, or want to change that about me.  Some have said that the reason I like to surround myself with other people is for fear of being alone.  Maybe, but I don't think so.  I like shopping alone; I like driving alone; I like reading alone; I like writing alone; I like staying home alone (except on Friday and Saturday nights, I guess).  No matter what, I don't think it's fear of being alone.  Some have said that I surround myself with people for fear of disloyalty during my absence.  That's not it either, especially lately, where time and again my friends have demonstrated to me their love, trust, confidence and loyalty over and over again.  Some would say that I surround myself with others because I feel the need to talk all the time.  Wellll, mayyyyybe.  ;)  If the length of my blogs is an indication of how much I like to talk, you might draw that conclusion.  Kidding.  But again, I don't think it's that.  After all, I just said that I miss the quiet knowingness of some of my friendships.  So what is it?  I don't know.  Maybe more reflection will help me figure it out.  In the meantime, I will persevere and find the silver lining as best as I can.

I need to get some sleep.  It's now about 12:30 a.m.  I have an early morning (or at least that's early for me, not being a morning person and all).  If that stray horse wandering around the orphanage would ever go away, so the dogs would stop barking, I might be able to get some sleep.